What Would Lemmy Do?

Winner of our What Would Lemmy Do contest is………Tropizm.  Congrats!!!

“Get me out of here!” Lars cried. Lemmy looked around for a rope or ladder to get Lars out of the basement. 

“Thanks Lemmy, I am terrified of spiders.   I will talk to James to see if we can let you on our next tour as a thanks.” Lemmy stared at Lars, “No.”


Lars looked back with a confused look on his face. “I will tell James when I will allow Metallica to tour with me.” Lemmy turned to walk out of the house.

 

Lars started crying, and begging to be let out as he had just seen the biggest daddy-long-legs ever. “Help me man!”. Lemmy picked up a stone. It hit Lars dead between the eyes. “I told you to keep quiet. You will wake Rufus.”

 

Lars and Cupcake climbed back into the bus. “Clovis”, Lemmy said to his driver “we need to head into that cloud. Its dangerous, and we might not make it out alive. You are relieved of your duties. Stay here with Rufus and Lars till we get back.”

 

Clovis thought a moment, and shook his head no. “Lemmy, we have been through a lot of crap together. I’m not walking away for what could be our greatest adventure. Besides, the thought of having to listen to Lars any more would make me wish for death.”

 

Clovis turns the bus around, and they head back from where they came from. As they drove towards the epicenter, the sky began to darken. Everything took on a greenish grey tint as the mysterious cloud blocked the sun. No one spoke, but they all knew that this was not good. Lemmy took a swig from his bottle.

 

Everywhere around them was total destruction. No trees or buildings were standing, except one house. A green tornado was spinning ferociously above it. A green fog of funk was surrounding the bus, and a scent of sulfur mixed with feet and ass were coming in through the vents.

 

“Daddy, I’m Scared” Cupcake said. Lemmy said “Clovis, keep the engines running. Cupcake, you stay here in the bus.”

 

Lemmy grabbed his bass and put it on. He quickly went through the door as to not contaminate the inside of the bus. He then started playing the fastest badass bass riff. The sound waves pushed the clouds back and allowed Lemmy to safely walk to the house.

 

He busted in the door and saw the remains of food everywhere. There were tables littered with turkey carcasses, portions of cakes, and scraps of meat. It reminded Lemmy of a buffet table after the band was through with it. The smell was rancid. Towards the back, there appeared a round, long haired guy scooping handfuls of food into his mouth. He appeared to be wearing a chicken like a hat.

 

“Meatloaf?” Lemmy asked.

 

Meatloaf turned around, fire blazing in his eyes. “Who dares interrupt my snack time!” he said. “I shall destroy whoever you are!” Meatloaf bellowed.

 

“Dude, get that chicken off your head. It’s me, Lemmy. There is this green fog outside and…”

 

Before Lemmy could finish his sentence, Meatloaf belched knocking him against the wall. A huge green cloud of stink flowed out of Meatloaf’s mouth and was followed by the loudest fart Lemmy ever heard. The green cloud started spinning and became part of the larger tornado outside.

 

Lemmy knew what he needed to do. Meatloaf must be stopped.

 

He started another riff on his bass. This one faster and more badass-er then the previous one. The sound waves pushed Meatloaf screaming into a corner and kept him there. Lemmy walked forward, picking up the tempo. Each note was like a gut punch to Meatloaf as he kept being pushed deeper into the corner by the wall of sound.


Meatloaf, under the weight of his own blubber imploded. What followed was biggest most explosive fart in the history of the world. Half of the wall was blown out.  The fart disrupted the green cyclone above the house and it began to dissipate, which allowed the sun to burn off the deadly clouds outside.

 

Clovis and Cupcake came out of the bus, shading their eyes against the sun. Lemmy walked out of the house, covered in Meatloaf bits, but otherwise fine.

 

“Daddy!” Cupcake screamed, as she ran up and hugged Lemmy. “Ewww, you stink.”

“Clovis, let’s go.” Lemmy said.

“To get Lars?” Clovis asked.

“Hell no! Chicago. We need to meet up with the band. The show must go on.”

“Yes sir!” Clovis said.

 

They all climbed into the bus and started to drive away.

 

“Clovis, stop at the next bar. I need a refill. But first, I’m gonna take a shower.” Lemmy said.

 

The bus pulled away from the bar a couple hours later, headed towards Chicago. Lemmy had the hottest blonde from the bar in the back of the bus with him.

Hey, Lemmy always F’s something!

Runner up in the What Would Lemmy Do contest is……Chad

After considering whether to help Lars out of the basement for well over 2 seconds, Lemmy ultimately decided that it would be best to just leave him there and come back for him later, thinking to himself, “I’m just going to trip over that little bastard if I bring him with me.”  Over the course of several hours, he and his daughter made their way back to the source of the green fog.  They slowly moved in closer and closer, holding the roll of tape before them, when they stumble upon Kip Winger wearing a gas mask.

“W’sup suckas?  Want some pussy?”, says the vile metal pretender.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”, replied Lemmy.
“Collecting ass, man.  That green fog that blows out during my concerts puts everyone to sleep.  It really speeds up the process.”
“The ‘fucking’ process?”, replied Lemmy.
“Hell, yeah!”
At that point, Lemmy decided that he had enough information to solve the problem.  Using the tape that Rufus had so wisely provided for him, he secured Kip’s face to the rape gas hole, closing it long enough for a Mexican super hero acquaintance that Lemmy phoned up (El Penetrato) to appear on the scene.    Kip was fast asleep, but would very soon awake to a new dawn.
Completely forgetting about Lars, Lemmy took his daughter home and commanded her to make him some pie for being so silly with Lars.  She did, and swore to never suck off a guy in a chicken suit again.
Unfortunately, Lars died of a sprained ankle he received falling into the basement.  He shut his eyes as he wailed against the pain, and when he opened them again, he saw the rosy flames of hell.  ”I’m going to sue the shit out of somebody.” he thought to himself.  For the time being though, he decided to just make the best of the situation.  After searching around for a while, he found the devil himself, and volunteered to play drums for his band.  The Devil, chuckling lightly, replied, “Wow, thanks, man.  But we’ve got a metronome.”

Week #5 – Episode 18

“Well I’ll be damned” said a voice from across the room. The room was completely dark with the exception of the glow from the wood burning stove in the corner. The air was filled with the aroma of fresh coffee and wet feet. “Lem, my dear friend” the voice continued. “You come to me looking for help, help with the green vapors. I can help you but you will need to work fast.”

“Anything Rufus, what do we need to do” Lemmy said in a calm voice.

“You need to go to the green vapor, not run from it. When you run, it only gets stronger. When you get to the center of the vapor, you need to stick this across the opening you see. It’s the only way” Handing Lemmy a roll of tape, Rufus quickly went to sleep.

“What the!?! Who…what the hell are we supposed to do with that?” yelled Lars.

“Shhh, you’ll wake him” snapped Lemmy. “You heard the man, we need to go find the vapor. Let’s go!”

As they turned to leave the old man’s house there was a loud crash, followed by a high pitched scream. Lemmy turned around to find that Lars had fallen through the floor of the house into what appeared to be a small basement. Almost dungeon like.

Seeing lars at the bottom of the hole covered in dust, Lemmy chuckled from the corner of his mouth. He thought for a moment…Do I help him out of the hole now? Or do I come back for him when the work is done?

 

Week #4 – Episode 16

“I think we need to consult a professional, let’s go! Right after I kick your ass.” Lemmy said to Lars. Lars was shaking in his little slippers when !thwap! he got bitch slapped right upside the head. “that’s it for now you little bitch, we’ve got shit to do” growled Lemmy. After a short ride the bus came to a halt next to a run down shack that looked like something straight out of a western movie. you would half expect John Wayne to walk out at any moment. looking over the top of his polished aviators, Lemmy said “Let’s go cunts” “we’re going to see a guy, a real sonofabitch, so don’t fuck it up”  Lemmy’s daughter, scared to wits end could barley speak “are we going to die daddy”, NO GODDAMMINT, now shut up.” Looking over at Lars, “you too fuck face, don’t say a word when we get in there. I know that’s nearly impossible for you”.  The three walked up the squeaky step and approached the old weathered door.  KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.  after a short pause there was a faint voice from inside the decrepit old building. “who the fuck is it?”  “It’s me, Lemmy” “Bullshit, Lemmy’s on tour, go the fuck away.” “No, my brother it’s really me, open up we need to talk.” Foot steps could be heard approaching the door.  It was so quiet outside you could almost hear Lars’s heart beating. “did you fart Lars?” asked Lemmy. “No, it just leaks out when I’m nervous.” “Fuckin’ hell boy” as Lemmy shakes his head.  Just then the door swings open to reveal the voice behind it.  Who did the trio see?

Week #3 – Episode 14

“Dad!?!” says the girl, Lemmy replies,“Cupcake!?!”  Dad? What the Fu… mumbles Lars under his breath.  Lemmy quickly looks over the sheepish looking Lars and shoots him a look of death that could paralyze most humans.  Approaching Lars slowly, with fists clinched Lars started to sweat a little bit more. “Son….I’m gonna take those boxers of yours and place them inside your colon. Then I’m going to make you lick last nights bathroom floor off the bottom of my boots. You little fuckin’ piece of”  “Holy shit!” yells the girl.  All three turn to look out the front of the bus and see that the sky has turned a shade of green Lemmy hadn’t seen since the last time he got sick from eating at a groupie buffet. “Start the bus, Clovis. Let’s get the bloody hell out of here NOW” barked Lemmy.  The engine fired and the tires screeched throwing the three against the back of the bus.  With faces planted against the back window Lemmy, his daughter and Lars watched as the green haze quickly disappeared in the horizon.  “whooo” said Lars as he whipped the sweat from his forehead. “See?  I wasn’t making this shit up. This shit is real”  “Where does that come from?” asked the girl.  Still pissed about Lars porking his daughter, Lemmy says “I don’t know where the green light comes from, or why it’s following you. But I do know that whatever it is it ain’t good.”  Turning fast to look at Lars, getting only about an inch from his nose, Lemmy says….

 

Week #2 – Episode 13

We left our hero peering out the door of his tour bus on one of the hottest days of the year in the southwest.  When Lemmy opened the door to see what had caused the gigantic BOOM that shook the bus he was greeted by a little man driving a golf cart and wearing a rather large chicken suit.  “What in Bloody hell are you doing?” said Lemmy. “And why are you wearing that fucking thing? on a day like today?”  All Lemmy could hear was the faint whimper of someone crying. So he tossed his cigarette butt to the ground, with the flick of a finger and sauntered over to the chicken and gently pulled off the fluffy oversized head.  “Lars?  What….What the hell are you doing son?” “Is it gone?”  “Is what gone?” Lemmy replied. “The vapor cloud.  you know, that green fucking vapor cloud that comes out at night around here.”  “Have you been drinking again my little friend?  Did James hit you over the head with ‘EET FUK’ again?” “No, No nothing like that this time” said Lars.  “I was sitting at the pool, with some chicks and we were just about to move indoors to…ah…you know, play ‘stuff the crepe with fruit’ when this green fucking vapor started coming for us.  I think it got the one chick, ate her whole.”  “What happened to the other one.” Lemmy asked.  “oh….she’s in here with me”  “In the chicken suit?”  “Yeah man, she already started bobbing for apples. I didn’t want to interrupt her. She’s a professional.”  Looking around to make sure that nothing was there, Lemmy offered Lars and the professional a spot on his bus. Lemmy turned and walked back inside the bus and Lars tried his best to wedge the overstuffed chicken suit for two through the door.  Once on the bus, Lars was able to step out of the chicken suit, he was in super hero boxers and sweeting profusely. He then lent a hand to the professional to help her step out of the steaming chicken suit. Two seconds later the professional and Lemmy locked eyes and…

Week #1 – Episode 12

It was late in the afternoon, well past noon, somewhere in the southwest. Sun beating down on the roof of the slivery black tour bus. So hot you could see the heat vapors rising off. No breeze to be felt and the air was so thick and wet it made last night’s groupies jealous. Deep inside the toasting tour bus lay our hero, Lemmy, asleep and dreaming of beautiful women dancing naked in a rain storm of pure whiskey. Not the shitty kind of whiskey, no, the pure kind. All Jack. Suddenly, a loud BOOM shook the baking bus and rattled everything inside, including Lemmy.  He jumped out of bed like a jack in the box and ran for the front of the bus to see what the fuck just happened. Lemmy was pissed, not because someone or something had just run into the bus, but because he was awakened by this shit just as he was about to get a face dance by the naked girl that went by the name Constance. Her body had curves as long and smooth as a Ferrari and was ready to be the main course of Lemmy’s dream. “Oh bloody hell, not again,” Lemmy mumbled as he looked out the window. He then reached for the pack of cigarettes sitting on the counter next to him and struck a match. With a deep inhale, pause, exhale he poured himself a morning drink. This wasn’t just any drink. This was straight up whiskey. It’s one of the only things left that can get Lemmy to keep his eyes open in the daytime. After a few more drags and sips of metal juice, he slams the glass down on the table and heads for the door. The door swings open. All that can be seen at first is a cloud of smoke thick enough to kill any normal human being. Squinting, due to the mid afternoon sun, Lemmy steps out of the bus only to be greeted by…

 

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